Teenagers. They are the best kept secret in the dieters community...
Three teenage boys, one preteen girl, and a toddler in the ninetieth growth percentile for her age equal one insane monthly grocery bill. Some families choose to buy in bulk "to save money". And that just brings on the LOL's for me. When you have a brood this big, saving money isn't exactly at the top of the list anymore in terms of subsistence. Somewhere between the ages of when-is-dinner-going-to-be-done and are-you-gonna-eat-that, it becomes unobjective. Personally, I buy in bulk just to try and keep the friggin' refrigerator stocked.
I wish I was being sarcastic when I say that my monthly grocery expenses are three times more than my mortgage. Or when I admit that before a major snow storm, I'm infamous for overfilling two carts at the local market. I'm not joking when I tell you that there have been times when I've cooked two pot roasts for dinner. And if the kids invited friends to eat at our house, sometimes three. Trust me, I don't own a minivan because of it's off-roading ability. I have to feed the teenagers. And it's the only legal vehicle short of an eighteen wheeler capable of fitting 8736485687 bags in the back. I don't mind, really, I don't. If they're eating, that's a good thing. A strong appetite is a sign of health. Once upon a time, I used to cry and beg #1 to eat just one bite. In a land far away, I used to struggle to get #2 and #3 to swallow half an ounce of formula each. Their pediatrician can vouch for me and attest to me calling him at all hours of the night, hysterical because they just would not eat. Be very careful of what you wish for, folks.
It's now Saturday evening. Four days ago, I spent a little more than $300.00 shopping for food. Two loaves of bread, four gallons of milk, ten pounds of potatoes, three half-gallons of ice cream. All I wanted was a little ice cream. But. It's. Gone. Seriously. You think it can't happen to you. But. It. Does.
I've considered pad-locking the pantry, but they'd chew thru it. I thought about electric dog collars, but they'd probably just keep swallowing in between twitches. Tomorrow morning, I'll be back at the supermarket, shopping like a senior citizen before a blizzard. When you get there, and the eggs (and ice cream!) are all out of stock, don't say I didn't warn you.
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AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ...that is all...
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