It has been......a really, really hella long time since my last confession. I'll admit, I haven't stepped foot in a church since my mother's funeral. Honestly, I'm just not that into the whole organized religion thing. Yet, I can't completely shake the whole guilt-ridden Catholicistic upbringing that was washed over my brain since I was born. You know, that one that taught us that all we have to do is concede wrongdoing to a total stranger and our souls shall be healed? I don't know about all that absolution shit, but it sure does make ya feel better, doesn't it? And so, for your reading pleasure. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, my acknowledgment of contrition....
1. I was the one who repeatedly turned the microwave light on, for no good reason other to piss of MFH, and blamed it on #3.
2. I told #4 she was adopted. Multiple times. Over the course of several months.
3. I drank directly from the milk carton.
4. I told the visiting Jehova's Witnesses that I could not invite them in because my house was haunted by a demonic spirit.
5. I cried "PMS!" the Easter after #5 was born in order to get out of dinner with the in-laws, and stay at home with the baby, because I wanted to have her all to myself that day.
6. When the neighbor's coupon booklet was accidentally delivered to my house, I kept it. And used it.
7. While online shopping, I re-registered a new account under a different email address just to get the "new customer" discount and free shipping.
8. I lied to my kids. I told #4 she'd get worms if she kissed a boy before she was married, told #2 he was a test-tube baby, told #3 he wasn't really a twin, I just couldn't afford two birthday parties in a row every year, and told #1 he was planned.
9. I stole The Queen Of England's parking cone.
10. When the really old man in Lowe's mistook #5 for a "handsome young man", I just nodded and smiled because I didn't want to have to tell him he was wrong, in my loudest indoor voice ten times just so he could hear me.
11. When the sign at the counter said "Free! Take one!", I took three lollipops.
12. I posed as an undercover security guard at Victoria's Secret in order to get two little male demon spawn who were using thongs as slingshots to leave the store.
13. When the clerk at the gas station rang up my purchase incorrectly, giving me twice my actual change back, I kept it.
14. I swapped my old, dying gel pen for a better one at the bank drive-thru.
15. I told MFH that his new mandals didn't make him look like he was a cross-dresser, he looked great!
16. I purposefully gave a bad online review of a beauty product that works really well because there were only a few left in stock and I didn't want it to sell out before I could buy the rest of it.
17. I publicly referred to #5 as "a kid I was just babysitting" when she was acting like a heathen in the grocery store.
18. When I heard my sister's voice on the answering machine asking if I was home, I didn't pick up the phone because I was too lazy to get up off the couch, and the eight feet I would have had to walk to reach it just seemed so much farther than that.
19. I told my credit card company that I couldn't make my payment because my mother had just passed away and I was too busy mourning, even though it's been years.
20. I called the kids off of school, saying they all had the stomach flu, so we could hang out at the park and play.
21. I told the cop, and the magistrate, that I thought the light was yellow, and cried to get out of the ticket saying that MFH "would never allow me to drive again" if they placed points against me.
22. When my doctor asked if I smoked, I lied and said no, and that someone in the car with me did, just to avoid the lecture.
23. I ate the last fruit snack, but left the empty box in the pantry just to piss the kids off for doing it to me all the time.
24. I pretended to be sleeping alongside #5 because I wanted nap time to last just a little bit longer and I knew she'd wait for me to get up first.
25. I used a friend's handicapped placard for a better parking spot because I was taking the kids with me and I didn't feel like walking that far.
That's just what I can remember off the top of my head. By my calculations, if I multiply this list by like, fifty, a few hundred Hail Mary's and a sizable donation should cover it. Ahhh, fuck it. Who the hell am I kiddin'? I'm goin' to hell anyway. I'll see ya'll down there!
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