From The Mouths Of Babes....

Since it's 2012 now, I thought I'd kick off the new year with a little comedy. Years ago, I began keeping a file of some of the funniest shit ever to come out of the mouths of my kids. This habit turned into a damn near daily ritual. I recommend it to anyone with children, because you never know what they're going to say or how they are going to view the world around them at any given time. Plus, it really helps to look back and read the log during days when you might begin to wonder if Joan Crawford was simply just misunderstood. Trust me, if you haven't already, sooner or later you will ask yourself "What the hell were they thinking?". Something like this can offer a lot of insight. Some of these little proverbs are older, and some are newer. Some are pretty disgusting, so I'm warning you now not to eat or drink anything beyond this point...




Number Five: "I want to play my keyboard in here."

Me: "It's very loud. Go play with it in your room."

Number Five: "But I like to play it here!"

Me: "But I'm trying to concentrate."

Number Five: "You're supposed to concentrate on the potty!"



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Me: "Two, if you keep doing his laundry for him, you're gonna be stuck with Three as a roomie when you guys grow up".

Two: "No, I'm not. He's never going to leave home..."



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Two: "What smells like hoagies?"

Three: "Hoagies...."

Two: "Oh, I thought it was just me...."




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Me: "Five, did you poop?"

Five: "No!"

Me: "Yes, you did! I can smell you from over here!"

Five: "It's not poop! It's ice cream!"



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As she was leaning, head-first, from the recliner and onto the floor...

MFH: "Five! What the hell are you doing?!" 

Five: "Falling...."



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A typical Sunday morning in our house. The phone rings, and we're all too lazy to get up and answer it. Hearing the machine pick up, Number Five hauls ass into the kitchen, and stands a couple of feet away from where the phone is mounted on the wall....


On The Machine, My Father In Law's Voice: "Hey MFH, It's me. Are you there?"

Number Five, On The Top Of Her Lungs: "It's me! Five! I am here Pop! I can hear you! It's me, Five! Can you hear me? Can you hear me!?!"





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Five, In Her Sleep: "It's NOT Ghandi!"




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While Watching Dora The Explorer One Afternoon...

Dora: "Can you say aqua?"

Five: "No!"


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Me: "Five, Where's my phone?"

Five: "I not Five, I a penguin. You hafta say penguin, where is my phone."

Me: "Okay. Penguin, where is my phone?"

Five: "I don't know! I just a penguin!"


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More Number Five Randomness...

"I got TWO legs! I got TWO legs!". This finally occurred to her.

Singing to herself one morning..." Mary, Mary, little ham! Little ham! Lit-tle ham!"

"Cock-a cock-a caw! That's a morning chicken!"




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Five: "I soooo hungry!"

Me: "Daddy is picking up KFC. Do you want mac n' cheese?"

Five: "No! I want dog food!"




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Four: "I hate roller coasters. I hate that feeling you get in your stomach when you go down the hills. I hate butterflies."

Five: "I hate puppies!"


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MFH, as he was changing Number Five's diaper: "I'm sick of this, it's disgusting!"

Five: "Whomp! Whomp! Whomp!"




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MFH To Number Five: "C'mon honey, let's go."

Number Five: "Honey? I not Mommy! I Number Five!"




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Me: "What am I going to do with you, kid?"

Number Five: "You silly Mommy! You love me!"




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Number Five: "Can we go to the beach?"

Me: "Not yet."

Five: "Why not?"

Me: "It's too cold."

Five: "But, it's summer!"

Me: "No, it's not. It's fall".

Five: (she ponders this for a minute, before saying...) "But you can use my flashlight at the beach and then you won't fall!"




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Five: "That's my baby Little Bird!"

Me: "Yep! And you're my baby Five."

Five: "I not a baby anymore, I am a big girl!"

Me: "You will always be my baby, even when you're a grown up." 

Five: "And then I can say bad words when I a grown up?"




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Three: "Dad! That lady on the commercial was just making out with her toothbrush!"

MFH: "Ooooh! What's her number?"

Me: "1-800-DIVORCE..."




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Me: "Number Five, are you stinky?"

Number Five: "No. I lucky."




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Two: "What's a democrat?"

One: "Not a republican..."

Two: "No, really. What is it?"

One: "Barack Obama is a democrat."

Two: "So, it's a black man?"






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