When we got there, her nurse wasn't saying much. He had just finished filling out her chart, and gave us a few moments before getting into anything. Though, he probably needed a few himself. He seemed pretty bummed to have to give us the news. After days and days of steady progress, Little Bird started having some setbacks. Her blood gas was again really good this morning. In fact, it was fabulous. So they decided to give extubation another shot, and see if she could handle the CPAP mask again. After only an hour and a half, she began to crash, and was immediately reintubated. And once again, her feeds were paused. She was actually just eating for the first time since this morning when we arrived. And again, her amounts are lowered. She was up to 24cc's, but is now back to 10. Her heart is apparently not getting the memo that her belly is ready for food.
The risk of prolonged time on the ventilator is that it can and typically does cause scarring in the lungs. We are already keenly aware of her risk of chronic lung disease just because of the severity of her prematurity itself. But the machine compounds the problem. Though she depends on it, the sooner she can come off of it, the better. I know she can do this. She just needs time.
Her sugar and electrolytes were low, and after finally getting and keeping all of her IV's out, they're back in. Her hematocrit also dipped again. At the moment, they are only monitoring this, as it isn't quite low enough for her to require another transfusion. The only good news that we received, and it is very good, is that her latest brain scan is showing that the bleed is being absorbed. It is healing, and is no longer considered a threat. For that alone, I am grateful. But we come so close to holding her. Sooo close. And then we hit a bump, and we are set two steps back again. It's been thirty two days. Thirty two very long days. I don't even know what she smells like. I want to kiss her tiny face and every one of her thirteen inches. I want to hold Little Bird.
She was quite alert today. At one point, her nurse came over to readjust her tube and pillows. She was facing me, and totally didn't expect this pair of hands to pick her up from behind and position her. The expression she made was absolutely priceless. Like a confused ninety year old who just remembered their own name. She squeezed my finger, and when I attempted to move my hand, she squeezed harder and pulled it toward her. So we just hung out together like that for a while. Me, telling her she can have a puppy if she lets them have her breathing tube. Her, kicking and stretching her legs, wondering what this puppy that I speak of is. We got some great, wide eyed photos today. I'm convinced she now knows when the camera is focused on her...
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