Regrets.....

On the 9th day, he created guilt. No, not the dude in the picture. You know, the dude up there. It is the unseen motivational force behind every decent parent. Let's face it, parenthood is a dirty job. There is no margin for error, which makes for some pretty risky business. I suspect that the human race would probably be extinct be it not for internal feelings of self-condemnation. What no one tells you about motherhood is that you will blame yourself for even the most minor on-the-job screw up. What I will tell you about motherhood is that every parent fucks up at some point, and the remorse is everlasting. I'm not an expert, but I have learned some very valuable lessons. Heed the following warnings, and for the love of all things good and holy, save yourselves....




Letting your toddler take that late afternoon nap.

Telling your kid that it wasn't chicken, it was fish.

Not locking the bathroom door.

Leaving your blackberry on the table, next to a glass of iced tea, and stepping out of the room for just a minute.

Ever introducing bubble wrap to a preschooler.

Establishing the tradition of "It's your birthday, you get to choose tonight's dinner menu! Anything you want!".

Forgetting to put your camera away before you fall asleep.

Teaching your three year how to use said camera.

Not finding a more creative hiding spot for the Christmas gifts.

Choosing your child's birth date as the lock-out code for parental programming on the TV.

Opting to not install that all important lock on mommy and daddy's bedroom door.

Smelling the finger (or hand) of anyone under the age of five.

Taking #5's memory for granted. Especially when it comes to numbers, like 9, 1, and 1.

Revealing any of your own rebellious, teenaged moments with your three rebellious, teenaged boys.

Telling those three, rebellious, teenaged boys that you've seen it all and nothing shocks you anymore.

Letting your husband use his best judgment when approving your pre-teen daughter's school outfit.

Consuming any Mother's Day breakfast food that your five year old prepared by himself.

Forgetting to hang the cordless phone back on the dock (see #13)

Assuring your fourth grader that it's okay to improvise, should he forget the lyrics during his class Christmas recital.

Instructing your five year old to smile his biggest and widest smile on picture day.

Not checking pockets on laundry day, no matter how pressed for time you might be.

Jokingly telling your child, who needs the information for a homework assignment, that you work for a bunch of underpaying asshats.

Underestimating that child's ability to spell. 

Passing the toy aisle when you're only running in to grab a few things.

Telling your pre-teen daughter that if she kisses a boy before she's married (you know, before the doctor can give him that special shot) that she'll get worms which will subsequently crawl out of her anus while she's sleeping at night. 

Telling your six year old son that if he curses, his hair will fall out and he will become bald.

Taking said six year old to visit a sick relative on the oncology floor of a local hospital after that explanation. 

Anything that involves glitter, Play Dough, or Moon Sand in an indoor setting. 

Waxing the wooden banister in full view of two ten year olds.

Telling your ever-increasingly hormonal eleven year old that she was switched at birth. 

Teaching a three year old, any three year old, the lyrics to The Song That Never Ends.

Forgetting to put your credit card away when you have a very internet savvy kid.

Downgrading any child's ability to comprehend what a guilt trip is after a pediatric or dental appointment.

Assuming that your two year old could never open a nail polish bottle.

Depreciating the power of Super Glue, or the durability of Sharpie markers.

Neglecting that visible seam of wallpaper that you assume is only noticeable to yourself.

Expecting your tweenage son to take "the talk" even semi-seriously.

Presuming that he won't take you up on your offer to "ask you anything about it", "at any time". 

Declaring that unless they can give you the proper definition and use it in a sentence, only then can they use that word in your house.

Making any kind of deal or bet with the teenaged species, especially when it involves food or cash. 




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